we have officially lost it.
My first STD was from a foam party
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
