Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
