I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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