Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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