Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
