Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
