How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
