mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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