I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
