Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
