btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Never joke about your clitoris.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
