seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
