i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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