Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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