I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
