dude i'm inner monologue high
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
