just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
