So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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