she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
