Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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