My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
