TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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