I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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