I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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