I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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