just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
