five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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