I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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