I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
