I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
no you cant smoke seaweed
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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