You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
