why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You may now shotgun with the bride
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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