Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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