$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
