God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
