I accidentally had phone sex last night
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
