Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
