really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
