Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
