OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
