i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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