I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
