Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
