I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
