Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
