so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
