I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
