Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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