just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
