I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
