He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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