I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
