I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
